it is mostly fluff...

just so you know...

2012-01-27T10:28:00.001-07:00

If your child happens to dump The Girl's dance pictures in a puddle and another of your children exposes The Baby to the chicken pox (which you knew your child had, you just didn't feel like sharing that information with others), I WILL get a little testy.

I'm looking at you, sister-in-law.

The end.

wordless wednesday...

2012-01-18T08:10:00.002-07:00

the tax man commeth...

2012-01-17T14:17:00.002-07:00

I hate tax season.

I don't see The Husband for about 5 months because he does taxes for his family memebers and friends and anybody else who asks. (Whose idea was it for me to marry an accountant who happens to LOVE doing taxes anyway? Come forward, please, for I have a few choice words to say to you.)

I am terrified of our taxes this year. I was on maternity leave, collected unemployment benefits, and cashed out an IRA account. (Hey, don't judge me...it was either that or LOSE my house due to the unemployment-ness...I'll deal with my retirement later...from the comfort of my home that I was able to KEEP.) So, who knows what kind of craziness is going to go on and how much The Husband and I may owe.

Blah.

And on a completely unrelated note, I lost ANOTHER follower. I don't know why or how, but I did. The fact that I have nothing interesting to say as of late and that I can't come up with any witty comments to say on other peoples' blogs has nothing to do with the loss. It must be something else. Like the person can't afford the Internet anymore, or they won the lottery and have no need to blog anymore because their life is SO exciting now. It can't have ANYTHING to do with ME. Right? RIGHT?!

Sigh. Having 39 followers is not nearly as cool as having 40 followers.

I am such a loser.

wandering wednesday...

2012-01-11T07:38:00.003-07:00

My mind keeps wandering today. No focus whatsoever. Could be that I have slept maybe 6 hours total in the last 3 days...not sure though.

Wandering mind time...

Did I remember to shut off my curling iron?

I think I put a spare outfit in the diaper bag...I hope I did because I know The Husband won't think to do it.

I am so sick of Republicans. And Democrats. Blah.

Did I put The Girl's ballet shoes in her backpack?

I need to order flowers for Brother So-and-so's funeral on Saturday.

What on earth am I going to do when my mom dies? Not that she is dying or even close to that stage. But still...what would I do? What about The Husband? My kids? What will they do when I die? What, what, what?

The Boy and I have to sit down and finish his concerto festival song. Only 8 measures to go. It is a freaking LONG song...15 pages...such a stupid song choice time-wise. But it is going to be awesome when it is done. Thank goodness his other two festival songs are already done.

The Girl wants to try out for a competition dance team. Where will I find the time and money for that?

We've started saving money for a new car. Three kids crammed in the back seat of a sedan isn't going to cut it for much longer. I want a Kia Sorento. 3 rows of seats, a 100,000 mile/10 year warranty, towing capabilities for the jet skis, and less than $40,000? Yes, please!

Baby is going to be 9 months old on Friday. She is so sweet. She has finally started to roll from her back to her tummy. But she has no interest in crawling yet. And no teeth. I worry sometimes and start to panic, wondering if there is something really wrong and I am missing it...but her doctor thinks she is fine and that she will do things on her own time. I know he is right, I just worry. Worry, worry, worry.

I had a dream that my mom got remarried. This is not a new dream. Usually I wake up seething with anger...how dare my mom get remarried! But this time, I woke up happy. What does that mean? That I am OK with the idea? I am not sure. I miss my dad so much, but does that mean that my mom should be a widow for the rest of her life? If she is, and if she lives as long as my grandmother, then my poor mom will be alone for 30 more years...37 years as a widow? That is 11 years longer than she and my dad were married! That seems cruel and unfair.

Does anyone want to hire my brother? He's got an undergraduate degree in biochemistry and he just earned his masters in nuclear engineering. Someone hire him, please?!?!

And for that matter, someone marry him too!! He's 26 and he is a great guy. Honest!

My sister is available too! She's got a career and a car! Call me for further details.

I am mad that I don't have my OWN nieces and nephews. The Husband has 15. And they are awesome. But they aren't MINE.

I really like watching Criminal Minds. It cracks me up that the crazy weird genius guy on the team does the voice for Simon in the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies.

I like Diet Pepsi now. A little too much, I think.

announcement...

2012-01-05T10:40:00.002-07:00

If anybody sees the weight listed on my driver's license, they will no longer get to raise a skeptical eyebrow and snort in a "who does she think she's kidding" manner...for the scale in my bathroom says the same number when I step on it. And my scale never lies. Unless a bigger number is displayed than I want. Then the damn thing is a damned dirty liar and will burn in Hell for its wicked, wicked ways.

Go me.

ruler of us all...

2011-12-21T12:25:00.003-07:00

The Baby can get us to do anything she wants.

Anything.

And she knows it.

How does one resist? How?!

eight months...

2011-12-13T12:13:00.002-07:00

This little cutie is 8 months old already.

Seriously, how can you not love this baby?

gap-toothed grin...

2011-12-06T14:46:00.004-07:00

The Girl lost her 4th tooth on Sunday night. She was quite please with herself. And she was even more please with the two quarters the Tooth Fairy left her.

Yes, our Tooth Fairy only leaves 50 cents. Don't judge me.

And yes, The Girl is wearing makeup. She has a dance recital this week and I needed to practice putting on the makeup. Yes, I am that inept in the feminine arts. Again, don't judge me. :)

it is not possible...

2011-11-29T07:56:00.003-07:00

The Girl claims she is seven years old today.

I think she is lying to me.

Because I am not old enough for that.

Nope.

Happy Birthday anyway Girl.

i love my job, i love my job...

2011-11-28T14:25:00.003-07:00

Maybe if I say it enough, it will come true?

Work is beyond stressful. My lovely manager, who fought tooth and nail to re-hire me, had a job opportunity come up in his home state and he took it. I can't blame him. Being close to family is important. But that has made work THAT much more stressful. Because the loss of his knowledge base? Irreplaceable. Plus, the extra special touch? Note how I said my manager fought to re-hire me? Well, the senior management team that DIDN'T want to rehire me (well, I don't mean me personally, they didn't want to rehire ANYONE) had the nerve to ask me to be the deputy manager for the meantime. So, the company that didn't think I was worth keeping around when they took over is now begging ME for a favor. Bastards. But, me, being the sucker that I am, said yes. *facepalm*

On a less stressful note, my Christmas stuff is all done. ALL presents have been bought. The decorations are up. The new Fakey McFakerton tree has been assembled (and for a fakey, it does look rather nice). The house has been deep cleaned. So, bring it on Christmas...Imma ready for ya'! Plus, it is my mom's turn to make Christmas dinner this year. Squeal!

My kids are growing like weeds. The Boy has gotten so tall that he can look me square in the eye. He will be taller than me before summer arrives. The Girl is turning seven tomorrow. SEVEN. TOMORROW. NOOOOO! The Baby is growing too. She is nice and fat. She even has kankles. And she has the whole family wrapped around her chubby finger. We do anything to make her smile and giggle at us. The cuteness would be nauseating if she wasn't mine. :)

So, to sum up: work = stress and kids = awesome. The end.

wordless wednesday...

2011-11-09T08:37:00.001-07:00

changing gears again...

2011-11-03T09:20:00.003-06:00

So, I am back to work. The company that laid me off came to their sense and rehired me. So, I got a vacation. Of sorts. A REALLY, REALLY stressful vacation. Because things were REALLY tight money-wise. Extremely tight. Like as tight as they were when The Husband and I were both going to school full time and we had literally NO money to live on every month because all our money was going to rent and school. It is a good thing both of us worked at fast food joints in our spare time and we got free food, otherwise we would have starved that first year or marriage. Which would have sucked, since I was pregnant and all.

How is the job market here, you ask? There IS no job market here. Unless of course I wanted to work for 1/4 of what I was making. Excuse me for a moment while I laugh hysterically at the idea of accepting a job for that wage. Ahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!! That wouldn't even come close to paying for the daycare expenses for ONE of my kids!! Are you freaking kidding me? I could probably have made more panhandling on the street! And believe me, that was the next step, because as I said THERE IS NO WORK!! NONE! NADA!! So, I am beyond relieved and so grateful to have my job again. I just hope the other people who were laid off with me will find something soon.

And being laid off? Socially, it sucks. No one wants to talk to you. It is like you have some disease and they are afraid they will catch it. It is the same with potential employers...they don't want to hire you if you have been laid off. That part irritates me to no end. Because a layoff is different than being fired. A layoff means that the position was eliminated and that I DID NOTHING WRONG!! THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY JOB PERFORMANCE!! But still, employers view layoff victims as damaged goods. Not fair. Not. Fair.

But, as I said, I am back to work. All is well.

Oh, we had a good Halloween. The Baby was a fat kitty. The Girl was a evil fairy. The Boy was Death. Funny, I thought that they were supposed to dress up for Halloween... :)

Here is my fat kitty:

Cute, isn't she? She kept trying to chew on her tail.

wow, being a stay at home mom is such a time sucker...

2011-10-21T09:38:00.002-06:00

Seriously, where does all the time go? I know that I was doing all this housework on top of being a full time working woman a mere 5 weeks ago...now why does it same to take up all of my time? I don't understand. Not at all.

On a totally unrelated note, The Baby hates wearing socks. She is convinced that if she cannot SEE her feet, then someone must have stolen them. It is funny to watch her try and pull of her socks so that she can make sure her toes are still there. When I am in a mean mood, I put her in footed pajamas. It brings me great joy to frustrate my children...even the little one that is only 6 months old. :)

changing gears...

2011-10-05T11:42:00.002-06:00

So, I am a stay at home mom now. Not by choice. Layoffs suck.

I am going on week three of being at home. The Kids and I are having an interesting time adjusting to one another. I haven't been at home for 6 years and I am not sure of what to think of this.

On the plus side, my house has never been cleaner. I am a whiz at getting the laundry, dishes, and bills paid before 11 A.M.

On the down side, finances are really tight now. But I am lucky...The Husband still has a job and we still have health insurance.

I want a new job though. And I will find one. Somehow.

In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my kids. At least, that is what everyone tells me I should do. And I am trying. Really, I am.

The Baby is going to be 6 months old next week. Holy crap, how did that happen?!

Well, off I go...The Baby is calling for me...sigh...

mixed feelings...

2011-09-15T11:31:00.003-06:00

Just recently I ran into some friends that I hadn't seen in a while. The first thing they said to me was "Wow, you've lost weight! You look great!"

Now, being told that you look great is always nice. It really is. But....

WHY THE HECK DIDN'T ANYBODY POINT OUT HOW FREAKING FAT I WAS SO I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because, honestly, I didn't think I was that fat before getting preggo with Baby Girl. But, apparently, I was the same size as a baby killer whale and people just didn't have the heart to tell me.

Sigh. Mixed feelings indeed.

another wordless wednesday...

2011-09-07T15:38:00.002-06:00

semi-wordless wednesday...

2011-08-31T14:09:00.003-06:00

The Baby and a Great-Grandma.

things to do today…

2011-08-29T16:04:00.001-06:00

Wake up late - Check

Fall down stairs in your rush to get to the laundry room because you didn’t get the laundry put away last night because you got caught up in watching “Hoarding: Buried Alive” and therefore found that you had no underwear in your dresser drawer after you got out of your shower, thus necessitating the rush to the laundry room to find said underwear - Check

Put underwear on inside out and backwards - Check

Leave lunchbox sitting on kitchen counter - Check

Accidentally run stop sign at railroad tracks because you were busy cursing yourself for forgetting your lunch - Check

Nearly get caught by local law enforcement for going slightly over the speed limit - Check

Arrive at work a ½ hour late - Check

Spill water down the front of shirt - Check

Scarf down two pieces of chocolate chip banana bread that some co-worker brought to the morning meeting and receive looks of both admiration and revulsion for the speed of consumption - Check

Drop chocolate chip on front of shirt and unknowingly grind into fabric - Check

Realize you have chocolate chip on your boob - Check

Discreetly try to hide your chocolate chip boob from co-workers - Check

Fail at boob hiding - Check

Go to candy machine to buy chocolate to console yourself over the failure to hide the chocolate chip boob only to have the candy machine eat your money and laugh at you while you wail and gnash your teeth at the unfairness of the universe - Check

Stub your toe kicking the sadistic candy machine - Check

Burst into tears upon the realization that you still have 9 more hours at work - Check

wordless wednesday...

2011-08-24T07:11:00.002-06:00

eleven years...

2011-08-17T07:19:00.002-06:00

Dear Husband,

Happy Anniversary Old Guy!

11 years of marriage, 3 kids, 2 student loans, and 1 mortgage...do we know how to have a good time or what?!

How about for my present, you finally remember to lower that damn toilet seat after you are done using it? Hmmmm??

Love,
FluffyChicky

it is my birthday...

2011-08-15T07:36:00.001-06:00

Let the receiving of presents now commence!!

*crickets*

Seriously?

*crickets*

Whatever. Ingrates.

wordless wednesday...

2011-08-10T07:08:00.002-06:00

oh, my poor neglected blog...

2011-08-09T08:13:00.005-06:00

Dear Blog,

I really don't mean to ignore you like I have been. It is not your fault. You have been nothing but a good friend to me where I can vent and post embarrassing stories about myself and The Family. I just have no life and no creativity right now. Maybe it will come back to me when The Baby gets older and I quit having panic attacks thinking about things that might happen. Surviving on 3 hours of sleep a night does not a good blogger make. Just know that I still love you and the blogging world at large.

Love,

FluffyChicky

P.S. And don't be all jealous of my new facebook account. I've been ignoring that too because it takes way too much effort to fire up the laptop and sit on the bed and update my status.

guess what...

2011-07-20T16:28:00.001-06:00

My kids are cuter than yours.

Proof:

Told Ya.

draft letter...

2011-07-14T16:39:00.001-06:00

Dear Mt. Vesuvius of a Zit on my Chin -

Go. away. now.

Angrily Yours,

Fluffychicky

P.S. I hate you.

overheard at my house...

2011-07-07T17:48:00.000-06:00

I overheard The Girl talking to herself today:

"Why do dogs like to smell tushies? I mean, why mine? I admit that I smell good, but I don't think my tushie would smell as good."

a question for the ladies i work with...

2011-06-29T12:02:00.003-06:00

When you are using the restrooms, is it that hard to turn around and check to make sure that everything has been properly flushed?! Finding floaties in the toilet is something that I deal with enough at home, I do not need to come to a professional work environment and see the same thing. Plus, it makes it really hard for me to take you seriously in a meeting when I keep thinking about what I found in the stall after you used it.

Y'all are just nasty.

Nasty, I say.

in case you were wondering...

2011-06-27T11:18:00.002-06:00

Eating an entire large sized bag of Pretzel M&Ms over the course of a day will give you a need to rush to the bathroom for at least 2 days afterwards.

lessons in anatomy...

2011-06-12T14:02:00.002-06:00

I had just finished nursing Baby Girl last night, when The Boy came into my room and asked a question.

"Ma, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"It might be a little weird of a question."

"I don't mind weird. Look at who I live with."

"Ha, ha. Funny. Anyway, it is about you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. When you are finished nursing Baby Girl, what happens to your boobs? Do they shrivel up like an old balloon and then fill out when they get more milk in them?"

*crickets*

*more crickets*

"See, I told you it was a weird question."

*crickets*

*more crickets*

"Yeah, I'm gonna go now."

*crickets*

conversations with the girl...

2011-06-07T10:51:00.003-06:00

The Girl had been sent to her room for throwing yet another fit and ignoring the 10 warnings she had been given about her attitude. She was sitting on her bed, crying up a storm...complete with a snot river. It was lovely. After letting her cry for about 15 minutes, I went in to talk to her.

"Girl, what is your deal? Why the attitude?"

"Why? Why?! You have to ask me why?!?!"

"Yeah. What is bugging you?"

"That encroacher!"

"The Baby?"

"Y-y-yessssss. Heeerrrrrr. She is ruining my liiiiife!"

"How?"

"She has replaced meeeeeeeee! I was the princess and now you have her."

"Come on Girl. You are still my princess."

"No, I'm not. You don't love me anymore. You sooooo don't love me, you might as well take me to the pound and trade me for a dog. Yeah, I bet you'd love a used dog more than you do me."

"Well, a used dog might not throw fits like you have been, but it would have fleas. I don't like fleas. So I might keep you because you don't have fleas. Wait, do you have fleas? I might get the dog then."

"Mooooom, I'm serious!"

"Oh, sorry. Please continue."

"No. You've ruined my moment."

"Sorry."

"Whatever."

the mother of mondays...

2011-05-24T12:27:00.004-06:00

Wow, yesterday sucked.

A lot.

It was a sh*t filled day.

Literally.

The Boy had just finished his piano review songs, which he does every morning before heading out to school. I had just sat down to feed The Baby and I heard the dryer buzz. So I sent The Boy to go switch the laundry for me. Then, I hear The Boy scream.

"MOOOOOMMM!! The ceiling is leaking!!!!"

So I run downstairs to the laundry room to find Niagara Falls coming from the heating vent in the bathroom and raining all over the washer, dryer, and the drying rack that happened to be full of MY shirts.

So I run upstairs to the bathroom to find out what was going on.

The Boy had had what we delicately call a "bathroom problem"...which means that he had produced so much poop and used so much toilet paper that he backed up the toilet.

He claims that he didn't notice the toilet overflowing.

I have my doubts.

So anyway, that meant that Niagara Falls was full of all sorts of disease inducing goodness...and all over my laundry room and the bathroom floor.

To make things extra special, The Husband had already left for work, The Baby was screaming at me because she was starving, and The Kids were supposed to be at school within the next five minutes.

So I threw everyone in the car, handed the bottle to The Girl so she could feed The Baby on the way over to the school, and we took off. And I called The Husband to scream at him because he was missing ALL the FUN.

The Baby and I went home. She got plopped in her swing while I cleaned.

I used 10 bath towels, 7 washcloths, 3 containers of Clorox wipes, and the steam mop to clean it all up.

And the fun didn't end there.

The Baby and I went to pick The Kids up from school and we dropped The Girl of at gymnastics and The Boy off at piano lessons. When The Baby and I got home, I smelled something.

The Baby had filled her diaper. And it had overflowed.

Into her onesie.

And into her footie jammies.

And into her car seat.

So I had to strip her down, give her a bath, scrub the poop out in the sink, and start ANOTHER disease infested batch of laundry.

I finish just in time to head out to get The Kids again.

I again call The Husband to leave him a voice mail discussing when he is going to have a particular procedure done.

The Baby and I pick up The Kids and head home. We are about a block from home when The Girl yelps.

"MOOOOOMMMY my tummy hurts really bad!!!"

And then we hear one of the loudest farts ever.

If The Girl hadn't been wearing her seat belt, she would have achieved lift-off.

But the noise was not alone.

Nope.

We get home, I send The Boy into the house with The Baby and I get The Girl into the tub, strip the cover off of the booster seat, scrub another set of poop filled clothes in the sink, and start a third batch of disease laundry.

Yeah, being a stay at home mom is just a blast! I can't believe I only have a week left of this bliss before I am forced back to work.

routines...

2011-05-09T08:58:00.002-06:00

Change diaper.
Feed baby.
Try to get baby to sleep.
Fail.
Carry baby around for hours and hours.
Feed baby.
Change diaper.
Feed baby.
Change diaper.
Shoot dirty looks at The Husband for being asleep.
Feed baby.
Feed baby.
Feed baby.
Start to moo because you have turned into a freaking milk cow.
Start counting down the days that you go back to work because it means that you don't have to breastfeed all day long.
Feed baby.
Change diaper.
Say prayer of thanks that the older children have the whole sleeping through the night thing down.
Feed baby.
Feed baby.
Get everyone up for work and school.
Feed baby.
Feed baby.
Send The Husband to the store for 67328348273429384 gallons of Diet Pepsi, because that is the only way you are going to make it through the day.
And feed baby.

i had forgotten...

2011-04-25T09:42:00.002-06:00

Projectile. poop. is. not fun.

That is all.

whew...

2011-04-15T16:18:00.001-06:00

The manatee has swum away. Baby Girl made it here safe and sound on April 13th. 5 lbs. 10 oz. 18 1/2 inches long. The Boy and The Girl love their new sister. The Husband and I are exhausted, but happy to be home. :) I will surface some time in the next week or so. Maybe.

randomness...

2011-04-04T13:19:00.003-06:00

The Husband and I put up the trampoline.

I made The Husband go to the transfer station to empty out the back of the truck. He got upset with me. I guess he had every right to...I mean, it has only been full for 10 months. What was I thinking?

We finally got a dresser for The Baby's clothes.

I got irrationally mad at The Husband yesterday because he did the unthinkable...he let me sleep in and he put the roast in the crock pot for me for Sunday dinner. When I woke up I freaked out. I mean crying and screaming freaked out. All that was missing was me vomiting pea soup everywhere (well, I did vomit yesterday, but it was totally unrelated to my meltdown). I spent all day pouting and being mad at him. And we didn't get it settled until midnight last night. Good times.

I reorganized all the toys in the family room. They are now sorted by type and they are in clear containers so The Kids can see what is in them without having to EMPTY everything. Not that this will stop them, but I can get mad at them now for doing it. "What do you mean you had to empty the bin? I can see everything that is in it without having to even take off the lid! You are grounded my child!! Bwhahahahah!"

The Husband and I still can't agree on a baby name. Maybe we should quit worrying about it and just wait until the baby gets here...that way we only have to come up with a boy name or a girl name and not both. Any suggestions? What is your favorite name?

My doctor about wet himself laughing at me at my last appointment when I suggested that he induce me that day. It was totally uncalled for and undignified.

My family members have taken to calling me a manatee at every opportunity. They will all die soon. Die, I say.

We have been lucky enough to have a sinkhole appear in our yard right by the city water main access thingy. I have to convince the city to send someone out to look at it to determine if there is a leak somewhere and what do I do about it.

There was a really big windstorm over the weekend. It blew over our basketball hoop and the backboard shattered. My kids cried. I cried. Because I had just bought The Kids new basketballs for an Easter surprise. So now I have to get a new hoop.

I lost one of my blog followers sometime over the weekend. It made me really upset. Come back! Come back!

I just sneezed and peed myself.

And I shot a booger onto my keyboard.

How lucky can one person get?

let me sum up...

2011-03-30T08:42:00.001-06:00

People keep asking how I am doing.

Any questions?

decorating must have...

2011-03-23T09:51:00.004-06:00

Who wouldn't want a ceramic pine cone squirrel candle holder as part of their decor?

it is obviously a monday cleverly disguised as a tuesday…

2011-03-15T11:37:00.000-06:00

When you have bladder that is in desperate need of emptying, always remember that before you sit down, you should make sure that the toilet is actually in the spot you think it is. Otherwise you might end up bare-assed, sitting on the floor, semi wedged between the toilet and the stall wall…especially if you are 8 months pregnant. You may have to actually have to utilize the toilet seat lid to pull yourself up. The lid might suddenly flip up on you when you are halfway standing and cause you to dip your elbow into the toilet water. And you might discover that the person who used the facilities last did not check to make sure that everything flushed properly. And you might give yourself a chemical burn by using Clorox wipes to sanitize your butt and your elbow.

Just so you know.

not winning points here...

2011-03-08T08:24:00.002-07:00

Dear Fetus,

If you don't get your foot out of my ribcage, you are gonna get your trash kicked the minute after you are born.

And then you are going to be grounded for at least a year.

No friends, DS, or Wii.

What do you think of them apples?

Signed,
The woman who will give you life but also wields the power to end it!

i should have listened to the voices...

2011-02-22T11:45:00.003-07:00

You know that voice inside your head that sometimes screams at you to not do something?

Well, if that voice tells you that taking your two kids sledding by yourself when you are 7 months+ pregnant is NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. for the love of all that is holy, LISTEN.

I have never been more stiff or sore in my entire life.

The Husband had to push me out of bed this morning because I couldn't move.

Being called "the coolest mom evah!" yesterday was so not worth it.

Grumpy, unexciting, "you never let us do anything!" mom it is from now on.

Stupid kids.

Stupid mom.

because i am always trying to find new ways to embarrass myself...

2011-02-09T16:26:00.001-07:00

Boob leakage.

In a staff meeting.

The end.

life's not fair...

2011-02-03T07:07:00.002-07:00

I had a couple of good weeks where the nausea and the throwing up episodes were gone.

It was heaven.

It came back with a vengeance 3 weeks ago.

I now pick what food I am going to eat each day based on how I think it will taste coming back up.

Sigh.

Eleven more weeks. Eleven more weeks.

how to create a dangerous situation...

2011-01-31T13:24:00.002-07:00

Tell a pregnant woman that, until she gives birth, she can no. longer. have. chocolate.

gestation joys...

2011-01-24T12:36:00.002-07:00

The Fetus likes to move around.

A lot.

The Fetus also likes to kick my bladder.

More than a lot.

I just got kicked so hard that I peed myself a little.

Oh, yes I did.

Thanks Fetus.

a food critic in the making…

2011-01-17T08:15:00.001-07:00

“Mmmm-mmm! That smells really good daddy.”

“Well, thank you girlie. Are you going to try some of it?”

“No. I don’t think I will.”

“What? Why not? You just said it smelled really good.”

“Yes, I know I did. But I was just saying that to make you feel better about yourself.”

“What?!”

“Sorry daddy. Your cooking sucks.”

a few weeks in review...

2011-01-03T16:29:00.002-07:00

There is nothing like spending a week home with The Kids to remind me why I work outside of the home.

So, what have I been doing the past few weeks? Oh, how kind of you to ask. I have been up to the following:

Loads of laundry done: 30
Loads of dishes done: 16
Christmas dinners cooked: 1
Cases of food poisoning from said Christmas dinner: 0 - whew!
Garbage bags full of wrapping paper still waiting to be disposed of: 3
Funerals attended: 2
Family parties attended: 3
Nights I got to bed before midnight: 5
Nights The Kids got to bed on time: 0
Days I forgot to do piano lessons with The Boy: 4
Number of times my doctor told me I was too fat: 1
Number of times The Kids laughed at me when they found out I had to pee in a cup for the doctor: They are still laughing at me. My appointment was 4 days ago. Shut up already.
Number of wedgie wars The Kids have started: 4
Number of wedgie wars I lost: 2
Number of times I threatened to ground the next person who started a wedgie war: 7
Number of times I followed through with the groundings:0
Number of times we went out to eat: 2
Fights I got in with my sister: 1 - a new record folks! Never have we gotten along so well.
Number of toenails that got caught on a door frame and got ripped off: 1
Cross stitch projects completed: 3/4ths - I am soooo close to having one finished!
Rooms rearranged: 3
Closets cleaned out: 3
Number of emergency visits to the dentist: 1
Number of haircuts paid for: 3
Number of haircuts for me: 0
Pairs of shoes bought: 4
Pairs of shoes bought for me: 1 - so unfair. I need more. More, I say!
Pounds of treats consumed: 15 - see above note about times I was told I was fat.
Pairs of pants that I own that fit: 3
Skirts that I own that still fit: 1
Number of stress zits: 2
Number of times The Kids let me shower long enough to shave my legs: 1 1/2 - it is a very weird feeling to wander around with only one shaved leg.
Times I turned on my computer: 2
Hours I spent on my computer: 1
Times I balanced the checkbook: 3
Times I thought of something brilliant to blog about and then forgot all about it: 5

The end.

cap guns and religion…

2010-12-15T08:28:00.002-07:00

On Saturday, we went to my mother’s house to help her decorate for Christmas. The Kids were rooting around in the toy box and found one of my brother’s old cap guns. They were fascinated because we don’t have guns at our house. Except for Nerf guns, but they don’t count. Not that I have anything against guns. I have a hatred for things that give my kids access to possible open flames. Cap guns = potential fire source = BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!

But I digress.

So, The Kids were totally fascinated by this shiny firearm and fighting over who got to be the gunslinger promptly ensued. To keep everyone from wanting to murder The Kids, we set the timer and each kid got 10 minutes to wield the gun.

The Boy went first.

He shot at everyone a few times and then practiced his holstering techniques for the rest of the time.

Then The Girl went.

“Bang, bang!”
She points the gun at me.
“Bang, bang!”
She points the gun at The Husband.
“Bang, bang!”
She points the gun at The Uncle.
“Bang, bang!”
She points the gun at The Grandma.
“Happy New Years, Grandma! Bang, Bang!”
“But you just shot me! How can I have a Happy New Year if I’ve been shot?”
The Girl pauses for a minute.
“Because, you get to hang out with Jesus for New Years now. You're welcome."

Glad that we spend all those hours at church so The Girl can have a firm grasp on the concept of the afterlife.

the good and the bad…

2010-12-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

The Good: The Husband’s car is fixed. And it didn’t cost as much to fix as the car shop anticipated.
The Bad: It still cost a thousand bucks more than I had wanted. But I am very grateful that it is fixed and the car should run beautifully for a good long while.

The Good: The Girl went to sleep last night with absolutely no complaints and stayed asleep all night long.
The Bad: The Boy was up and down all night long and kept throwing fits when The Husband and I refused to let him into our room. We have always had a strict “no kids in our bed” policy…why The Boy thinks that I am suddenly going to change my mind on that is beyond me.

The Good: I woke up early this morning.
The Bad: I pulled something in my neck while I was washing my hair and I ended up being almost 20 minutes late to work because I CAN’T RAISE MY ARMS ABOVE MY SHOLDERS! The Husband had to dry and curly my hair. Boy, oh, boy, do I look pretty today. At least I managed to get my makeup on correctly.

The Good: The pregnancy is progressing well.
The Bad: I have to pee. A lot. I am thinking of moving my office to one of the stalls in the ladies’ room. I spend ½ of my time in there anyway. I might as well be able to get some work done while I am taking care of business. I am all about efficiency, you know.

The end.

everyone laugh with me...

2010-12-02T17:41:00.003-07:00

Because if I don't laugh, I am gonna cry.

A lot.

Remember rambling post from Monday where I said it was going to take 2 grand to fix The Husband's car?

And I was irritated about it?

Oh, how I wish I hadn't been irritated.

Because, I think the car took offense and decided that 2 grand wasn't enough money.

Not nearly enough.

The lovely people at the GM Goodwrench store started working on The Husband's car today.

And they found more things wrong than originally anticipated.

Much, much more wrong.

3 grand more wrong to be precise.

Yep.

3 GRAND MORE!

So, let's do some simple math people.

2 grand + 3 grand = 5-freaking-thousand-where-the-hell-am-I-going-to-get-5-freaking-thousand-dollars

I am so going to cry right now.

Really, really cry.

wordless wednesday...

2010-12-01T13:24:00.001-07:00

random things…

2010-11-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today is The Girl’s birthday. She is six. And a royal pain in the tushie.

We got a new snow blower. It is nice. So very, very nice.

I have had a cold for a week. And I can’t take any decent drugs to make it go away or to make myself feel better. Whine, whine.

I have done about 20 loads of laundry in 2 days, including all the bathroom mats and the pillows off of the couches. And there is more to be done.

The Husband’s car is having mechanical issues. Again. And it will take about 2 grand to fix them all. Sob, cry, gnash teeth.

I made 2 pies and a 7 layer salad for Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t think anyone has died from food poisoning…yet.

I am almost done with Christmas shopping. Yay.

The Husband and I went and saw Harry Potter on the 19th. We did not take The Kids, which meant we could afford treats at the theater! The movie was really good. I was quite pleased.

I got the Thanksgiving decorations put away and the Christmas ones up. The house looks very festive inside and out.

I bought The Kids their own child-sized snow shovels. They thought it was great. Little do they know that I bought them so I can force The Kids to shovel the front steps while I stay inside and laugh at them. Slave labor is a good thing, I think.

Does anyone know if you can get your hair highlighted when pregnant? It has been several months since I’ve had mine touched up and The Kids are making daily comments on how I resemble a skunk (and not just in odor this time!) and it is starting to get on my nerves.

I am in charge of Christmas dinner for my family this year. The panic has already begun.

I made apple chips all weekend. The problem is, most of my family do not like apple chips. But I figured I’ll vacuum pack them and put them in food storage. The apple chips…not The Family. Well, maybe The Family.

I watched an entire season of NCIS in 2 days. I lurves me some Gibbs. Mmmm…tasty.

And that is it. Ramble over.

wordless wednesday...

2010-11-17T09:57:00.002-07:00

well, now I'm mad...

2010-11-10T15:57:00.002-07:00

My regular pants don't fit.

My fat pants don't fit.

I have to wear the preggo pants now.

I hate preggo pants.

Grr.

dearest husband...

2010-11-04T08:32:00.007-06:00

We have been married 10 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. It has been a wonderful time. But I swear by all that is holy and good that if you wake me up one more morning with your hocking up a loogie,

I

WILL

KILL

YOU

WITH

MY

BARE

HANDS!!!!!!!!!!

You have been warned.

Love,
Your Hormonal Wifey

P.S. And it is all your fault that I am this hormonal. Your. Fault.

Jerk.

dear sonic...

2010-11-03T09:34:00.003-06:00

When I order a steak, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito, I expect steak, egg, and cheese to be contained within the tortilla! Not bacon, tater tots, and no cheese!! You are damn lucky that I am preggo and that I was hungry enough to eat the burrito anyway. Plus, you managed to make my cherry coke correctly, so that counts for something.

I still am angry at you though.

Love,
Fluffychicky

my son is looking for a new home…

2010-11-01T15:35:00.003-06:00

It is either that, or I am going to outright kill him. He has become such a smart-mouthed brat lately. Yesterday we had the following conversation:

The Boy (TB): “Woman! What is for dinner?”
Me: “What did you just call me?!”
TB: “Woman.”
Me: “That was really, really rude and disrespectful and if I could drag myself off of this couch, I would totally waddle over there and squash you!!”
TB: “Yeah, but I saw how many Kit Kats you just ate, so I doubt you are getting off of that couch any time soon.”
Me: “Shush it, Boy! Don’t make me get my reaching stick and hit you with it.”
TB: “Yeah, I am totally scared. So, what is for dinner then? I know it can’t be Kit Kats, because we already established that they are gone. Can we have roast? You would make a good roast. Lots of meat on your bones. Of course, we are going to have to cut off a lot of fat. But that is what happens when you eat a Kit Kat fed roast.”
Me: “Where the HELL is my reaching stick?!?!”

And, just because, here are The Kids in their Halloween costumes.
I know it is a day late. But I think I slipped into a Kit Kat induced coma, because I totally forgot to post them.

And in totally unrelated news, The Husband’s sister had her 4th baby girl on Saturday. She is very cute. The baby, not the sister in law. Women aren’t that cute just after they have given birth. Just saying.

The end.

thoughtless thursdays...

2010-10-28T10:55:00.000-06:00

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

new toys...

2010-10-25T12:14:00.001-06:00

See what got installed at my house over the weekend?

Sooo pretty. And soooo nice. And soooo new.

It is a little ridiculous how excited one can get about a new washer and dryer.

pathetic...

2010-10-13T13:28:00.003-06:00

I find myself to be in a very pathetic and apathetic state of mind as of late. I have no motivation to do anything worthwhile (well, some would argue that sitting in your bed all day watching "How It's Made" while eating pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's is worthwhile, but that is a discussion for another day) and it is really starting to bug me. I am the sort that likes to be busy doing something. And right now I just don't care about anything. I haven't blogged a lot. I haven't read anything. I haven't tried to mess up a new cross stitch project. I force myself to go to work every day and then I make myself help with homework and piano lessons. And then I dump everything else on The Husband and I crawl into bed. I'd like to blame the pregnancy for everything, but I think it goes beyond that. I'm not sure what it is. I just know I don't like it.

So, until I feel better, I have only the following to offer the blogging world:

See? Absolutely pathetic.

rambling…because my preggo brain can’t handle anything more complicated than that…

2010-10-04T14:37:00.002-06:00

I am still alive.

Barely.

I throw up a lot.

It has gotten so bad at work that one stall in the bathroom has been reserved especially for me. Because I could come bolting down the hallway at any time to take care of business.

Sigh.

We got our Halloween decorations up. The Kids have their costumes ready. The Girl is going to use the princess costume she got during her Princess Makeover in Disneyland. The Boy is going to be some bloody, knife-wielding, Scream/Death type thingy.

The Boy has issues.

We went to Lagoon for Frightmares on Saturday. The weather was lovely and the crowds were manageable.

I ate far too many Churros and nachos. I was sick all day yesterday because of it.

And yes, because I went to Lagoon on Saturday, I did not listen to General Conference. And I don’t really care all that much. I think having a good time with my family is just as important.

I did a little online shopping for some clothes for The Kids and some nieces and a nephew. I got birthday presents for the nieces and nephew, birthday clothes for The Girl, and Christmas clothes for The Boy and Girl. I got 30% off for shopping online and I got another 10% off for using my store card (and before anyone says anything about credit cards, I pay them in full the day after the purchase…I just use them to get discounts!). So, I got $300 worth of clothing for $200.

The Husband and I have decided that we are not going to find out the sex of The Baby. This has made a lot of our relations unhappy. One of my SILs even told me I was being selfish and stupid. I hate her right now.

I want to fill up my freezer with things like casseroles and burritos. But we are getting ½ of a beef in November and I really don’t know how much of my freezer that is going to take up. Not being able to squirrel things away is driving me crazy.

I found a cross stitch project in my nightstand the other day. I had meant to have it finished before The Girl was born. I got about ¼ of the way through it and I got bored and never finished. I am thinking I ought to work on it. Completing a project 6 years late isn’t that pitiful, is it? I also have a sock monkey I was making for her too. It just needs the face finished, but I really don’t want to do it. But she keeps asking why The Boy has a sock monkey and she doesn’t with these big tear-filled eyes. It does nothing to help easy my mommy guilt.

Next week it will be 5 years since my dad passed away. It doesn’t seem like it has been that long. I still miss him very much.

I have a doctor appointment on Friday. They have to redo my womanly exam because they didn’t get enough of a sample the first time. Grr. And of course, it is on a day The Kids will be with me because they don’t have school that day. Good times.

I have no idea what to get The Husband for Christmas. I always get him clothes, some sort of tool, and a movie/video game or two. I end up getting him the same types of things for his birthday too. I feel bad that I am not more creative than that.

And yes, I realize that it is only October. Whatever. I like to plan ahead.

I suddenly have a desire to eat an entire box of Zingers.

I drank a Coke today. I haven’t had any soda in nearly 4 months. It tasted SOOOO GOOOOOD!!!

My pants are getting too tight. But my maternity pants are still too big. I am thinking of investing in some muumuus or a housecoat in the meantime.

I know I keep talking about preggo stuff. Sorry. Deal with it.

We cleaned out the downstairs bedroom so The Husband can start working on finishing it off. The Boy will move into that, The Girl will move into The Boy’s old room, and The Baby will get The Girl’s old room. I just need approximately $2000 to get it all done. Anybody wanna donate time and money to help out?

Why do I hear crickets chirping?

The air conditioner in my office won’t turn off. I have been wearing my coat and ½ gloves all day to try and keep warm. There is something fundamentally wrong about wearing your winter coat all day when it is 75 degrees outside.

And I am officially out of stuff to ramble on about.

Yay.

important tip...

2010-09-20T15:21:00.002-06:00

If you happen to vomit at work, always check your hair for accidental "splash back" before you leave the bathroom.

It can lead to awkward questions if you don't.

Also, dried vomit does not come out of hair easily.

Just saying.

embarrassing moments at work...

2010-09-09T10:07:00.003-06:00

I puked in front of my boss.

That wouldn't have been so bad if we had been in my office.

But we were in his office.

I have to get him a new garbage can now.

And I think I peed myself whilst puking.

I am pretty sure I left a tiny wet spot on the chair.

But don't tell him that.

I don't want to have to get him a new chair too.

Kill me. Please.

rambling…

2010-09-01T12:41:00.000-06:00

The Boy keeps leaving his socks and underwear in random places. I am getting really tired of finding two and three day old underwear in the pantry and socks on the front porch. I guess I should be glad that he is only leaving his socks outside and not his undies. Boys are so weird.

I am such a food hypocrite. I make The Kids eat something decent for breakfast, but as soon as they are not looking, I will eat half a package of Oreos and call it good.

The Husband is taking an on-line class and he is ALWAYS on the computer. It is driving me crazy. I can’t use the computer, which means I have to covertly use my work computer to do things like pay the bills and blog.

I want a cookie.

My face broke out. Again. Sigh. I wish I could blame pregnancy, but that is just how I am. I am going to be the Zit-ful Wonder my entire life. And to all those with clear skin: I hate you.

I haven’t had ANY soda for 8 weeks. And it is KILLING me. I WANT one SO bad. SOOOOO BAAAAADDDD!

We are going to Yellowstone for Labor Day. The weather had better warm up some. I hate hiking in the cold.

I caught The Girl playing in my makeup box the other day. She thought she looked beautiful. I think the more accurate description would have been that she looked like a 2-dollar-lady-of-the-evening that had gotten caught in a rainstorm.

The Husband and I refinanced our home loan. It will save us about $200 a month. Yay.

This pregnancy is kicking my trash. I am exhausted all the time and nauseated too. Plus, I can’t remember half of the stuff I am supposed to do during the day.

I still want a cookie.

Actually, I want lots of cookies.

I had a weird dream last night. I was mad at my father-in-law for some reason and he was yelling at me and then he threw a rock at me. So I threw on back. And then my mother-in-law came in and she started yelling at us, so we threw rocks at her instead. Not a bad dream, actually. ;)

The end.

well, hello there...

2010-08-23T14:53:00.001-06:00

Oh, hiiii nausea and irrational behavior. I was wondering when you were going to show up. The Husband and I have missed you so.

The first trimester sucks rocks.

The end.

happy anniversary...

2010-08-17T08:13:00.004-06:00

Dear Husband -

We have been married for 10 years today. Crazy, huh? Some days it doesn't seem like nearly that much. But most days it seems like it has been much, much longer than that. :) I love you.

Love,

Wifey

P.S.

Guess what?

thirty random things…

2010-08-10T11:38:00.002-06:00

I am turning 30.

3.0.

On Sunday.

And I am majorly depressed.

Ding-dong, my youth is gone.

The only upside is that no matter how old I am, The Husband will always be 7 ½ years older than me.

40 is looking really close to him right now.

*snicker*

So, in celebration of becoming a year wiser (or in memoriam for my lost youth - you decide which) I have decided to list 30 random things.

Please, contain your excitement.

1. I crack my knuckles. A lot.

2. I am an accent poser. If I hear someone talking in an accent, I will start imitating them without even realizing it. The Husband hates this. I work with some people from the Deep South and every day I come home twanging like I just escaped from the swamps.

3. I played intramural soccer in college. And I was pretty good. I knew which way I was suppose to kick the ball.

4. I can curse like a sailor. I actually kind of like it too.

5. I still like to read books by Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume.

6. I hate my arms. They look like turkey legs no matter what I weigh or how many exercises I try.

7. I keep track of the family finances even though The Husband has a degree in accounting. He can never remember when to pay the bills, so I do it so the collection agencies don’t come beating down our doors.

8. I have a compulsive need to make people think I am funny and clever, when I know that I am neither.

9. Even though I have been playing the piano for 25 years, I really still suck at sight reading.

10. I taught myself to play the saxophone because it was louder than a clarinet for Pep Band.

11. One of the guys I dated turned out to be a child molester and is now serving a prison sentence. I sure can pick ’em, can’t I?

12. I am more like my mother than I care to admit.

13. I am not good at sewing. I don’t have the patience for it and I am convinced that I am going to sew my fingers to the fabric.

14. I have lots of movies memorized word for word. It is a bit pathetic.

15. I love to sing, but I am really not good at it. Not. at. all.

16. I love having a job. Even if I didn’t need one, I would probably have one anyway. I am a better person when I am working. Ask my kids how fun it was to have “Crazy Mommy” at home with them for the year I decided to stay home. Not fun for anyone and we are lucky no one died from neglect. I wish I were kidding about that.

17. I fancy myself to be a great chef, but I am mediocre at best.

18. I love Ben & Jerry’s Mission to Marzipan ice cream. So. Good.

19. I like surprising people with gifts and parties, but I can’t stand being the person who is being surprised. I have a need to know what is going on at all times.

20. I love camping.

21. I have had glasses since I was 12.

22. I am not good at writing creative stories. I can write a research paper with one hand tied behind my back, but ask me to write a fictional piece or *shudder* poetry and I fall apart.

23. I once at an entire box of Ding-Dongs in one sitting.

24. I spoil The Kids way too much.

25. I am jealous that The Kids are way better at gymnastics that I ever was.

26. I like Chicken McNuggets.

27. I think Wikipedia is one of the coolest websites ever.

28. I want a tattoo but I am afraid of people judging me.

29. I love my family. Maybe a little too much.

30. I want a cat or a dog, but I don’t want the responsibility that comes with it. Plus, my house smells funny enough without pet odors added in.

The end.

Oh, P.S. Just because I hate turning older does not mean that I don’t like getting presents. Please, send me all the presents you want. :)

just because...

2010-08-04T10:44:00.004-06:00

Truer words have never been spoken.

fyi...

2010-08-02T14:39:00.002-06:00

Romanticism + camping + air mat = sleeping on a cold tent floor for 4 nights + having to pretend your back isn't killing you because you don't want to admit to your mother what you and The Husband were doing + shelling out $150 to buy a new queen size air mattress.

boys are gross…so are girls…

2010-07-19T12:13:00.000-06:00

I overheard the following conversation between The Boy and The Girl last night:

“Try it again.”

*Buuuuurrrrrpp*

“One more time.”

*Buuuuuuurrrrrrrp*

“That was better. You have to work on your projection a bit more, but that is a definite improvement.”

“Thanks. Should I work on my fart now?”

“Yes. Can you remember what we talked about last week?”

“Let it build up. One big one is more effective that a bunch of little ones. Unless they really stink. Then it’s OK.”

“Right. Proceed.”

*Pfhtthhhhhhhhhh*

*Gasp*

*Choke*

*Cough, cough*

“That was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. You have learned well, my young Padawan.”

My kids are so nasty. So very nasty.

romance is not dead...

2010-07-06T12:38:00.003-06:00

*warning*
*warning*
*TMI (probably) ahead*
*I don't really care either*

So, trying to have a baby is an interesting process.

First, the two main parties involved are super-excited.

"You want to have sex EVERY NIGHT for a WEEK?! Score!!! (hehehe)"

(Well, maybe one party is more excited than the other.)

This is great for the first 3 nights.

Well, it is actually only 2 nights because of one of The Kids interrupting the baby-making process on the first night and all further activity is a no-go.

Then the next 2 nights, you try to spice things up by having relations in different places.

*note to self...no matter how romantic it may seem in a novel or movie, shower sex is dangerous my friend! especially if you don't have those non-slip flower thingies pasted to the bottom of your tub. lesson learned.*

And then the 6th night, you are actually too exhausted to do anything and you fall asleep before any action can take place.

And then, by the 7th night, things have become mechanical and non-fun. This may be a conversation that might take place:

"I haven't shaved my legs in two days. I am tired, I am grumpy, and I don't think dinner agreed with me. But the fertility window for the month is closing, so you have 10 minutes my friend."

"That's OK. I don't mind that Mediterranean look. Plus, I never really pay attention to your legs anyway."

"Eh, me neither. Oh, I guess I have a book to read if you take longer than the allotted time."

"Read the good parts out loud to me, OK?"

scared...

2010-07-01T10:07:00.002-06:00

The Husband and I have come to the conclusion that it is time to expand our family.

And I am scared to death!

I am scared of getting really fat.

I am scared of sleepless nights.

I am scared of how it will affect our family dynamics.

I am scared of my mother's reaction. (Each time I have been pregnant, she yelled at me for two days saying how stupid I was because I couldn't afford kids. I don't want to go through that again.)

I am scared of going on maternity leave.

I am scared of having to pay for daycare for three kids.

I am scared of having to get a bigger car.

I am scared of having to find money somewhere so we can finish the downstairs bedroom so The Kids will still be able to have their own rooms.

I am scared of telling The Husband that I don't want more than three kids and that I want him to have a vasectomy.

But there are things I am looking forward to.

I like trying to procreate. :)

My boobs get really big when I am pregnant. It is awesome.

I like babies.

My MIL will finally quit bugging me about producing another grandchild for her.

proof that the husband isn’t completely dead inside…

2010-06-23T10:11:00.001-06:00

The Husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. Up until a week ago, I thought he had no feelings at all. He never gets sentimental, never cries about anything, never even gets misty eyed. Nothing. On average, I cry 4 times a week. More if it is that special week before that other special week that we women have been cursed with.

Anyway, this isn’t about me and my PMS, or my pre-PMS, or my post-PMS.

This is about The Husband having no soul.

Examples of soullessness:

Our marriage. I cried (in an alluring manner) because I was so overwhelmed with my deep, deep love for The Husband. As we were walking around the Temple grounds getting our pictures taken, I wiped away my tears and whispered of my love to him. Instead of smiling warmly and returning my sentiments, he grinned at me like the Cheshire Cat and said “I get to touch your boobs now.” Note: He obviously meant later…not right there on the Temple grounds! Sheesh! He might be emotionally dead, but he is not a perv. Not a big one, anyway. :)

The birth of our first child. I was in labor for twenty-for the love of God someone kill me please-six hours, the first 12 without any medication. And then when I finally got some drugs, the danged stuff wore off for the last 2 hours. When The Boy finally got his huge noggin out, he wasn’t breathing and he wasn’t all pink colored like newborns are supposed to be. It was a tense 10 minutes before he finally squawked at us. I was sobbing the whole time. The Husband merely smiled and said “I’ll pay you 10 bucks to change the first diaper.”

The birth of our second child. I was only in labor for 6 hours and it was pain free, but I still cried because she was so pretty and loud. The Husband smiled and said “I’ll pay you fifty bucks for every diaper I don’t have to change for the first week she is home.”

We watched the movie Stepmom. At the end when Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon are confessing their fears to each other, I was a blubbering mess. I looked over at The Husband to see if my tears would be validated and the big heartless creep was asleep! With his mouth hanging open. Drooling. He would have been snoring except for that very expensive nose surgery that he had last year to prevent that sort of thing.

I’ve never seen him cry for funerals, weddings, or the Super Bowl.

See? No soul.

Until last week.

We both had the day off to recover from our vacation to Disneyland. Oh, I forgot to tell you all about that. Yeah, we took The Kids to Disneyland for the week. It was awesome. Not only did I see Mickey Mouse, we got to spend some time in Las Vegas, where I got goosed by a Jack Sparrow impersonator and lost 50 bucks gambling at the slot machines. Good times.

Anyway, so we both had the day off and we decided to take The Kids to a matinee showing of The Karate Kid.

Great movie, by the way.

I like Jackie Chan.

Anyway, towards the end of the movie, there is a very heart wrenching scene with Jackie and Will Smith’s kid. I cried. As I was wiping my eyes and trying to keep my contacts from falling out, I hear this loud SNIFF, SNIFF. I looked over and there was The Husband. Crying. CRYING! I sat and stared in shock at him. Tears! Real tears were on his cheeks!

Good think I was sitting down, or I would have fallen over.

After the movie he tried to deny it happened.

“I have allergies” he grumped.

Whatever. I knew the truth.

On Saturday we all went and saw Toy Story 3. I had heard that there was a scene in that movie that should bring tears to your eyes. I was hopeful. Maybe The Husband would display some emotion again. Well, I cried. The Husband? He did not.

In fact, I think he had dozed off. Twice.

Sigh.

I guess Karate Kid was a fluke.

Unless he just had some attachment to Kung Fu that I don’t know about.

things i may have said this week...

2010-06-18T13:27:00.002-06:00

I may or may not have said the following this week...

"It is times like this that I regret not being a contortionist."

"If you are going to show me the ugly side of yourself, fine. But I have a question. Does that include your butt or not?"

"Look, if Frida Kahlo can have a uni-brow, so can I, dammit!"

"Look, after I am done having children, things are going to get nipped, tucked, and sucked. And not just The Husband! I get to too."

"I'm going to invent mood underwear. Kind of like a mood ring, but better."

The end.

weird confession…

2010-06-03T14:39:00.004-06:00

I have a crush on someone.

*eyes dart around looking for eavesdroppers*

*dramatic whisper* It is on someone who isn’t The Husband!

*Eeep!*

Not only is HE not The Husband, HE isn’t even real.

Well, HE is real in a sense, but HE really isn’t real.

Confused?

Me too.

I have a crush on the actor Toby Stephens.

Not really Toby Stephens.

Toby Stephens as Mr. Edward Fairfax Rochester.

*swoon!*

It gets even better.

Such is my infatuation with Toby Rochester, that not only have I watched the miniseries E.V.E.R.Y. night this week, I have changed the wallpaper on my work computer monitors to feature various pictures of him. That way when I am working away, I can stare into his brooding eyes and imagine that he is thinking of ME. I even went so far as to use the crappy photo editing program I have to put my face over Jane Eyre’s face so it looks like Toby Rochester and I are together. *blush* But at least I had the presence of mind to not put that as my wallpaper. That would be a little awkward to explain to my coworkers. Plus, thanks to the stupid software, it is a pretty crappy photo. Whatever.

Oh, and it gets better still.

I’ve been daydreaming about what it would be like if I had been swept back to Jane Eyre time and Toby Rochester was real and he never fell in love with Jane but fell in love with ME and he swept me away from The Husband for days filled with passion and romance. (Note to The Husband: Sorry my dear, but you know that if Sandra Bullock’s Lucy character from While You Were Sleeping came to call on you that you would dump me faster than yesterday’s garbage. I am not offended. Really.) Then later, Toby Rochester and I are tragically torn apart by a cruel and unforgiving world and I discover that I am pregnant with our lovechild. I have to keep the child a secret or I will lose my fortune to a jealous St. John Rivers (who is also cute, BTW). I decide that the child must be named for his father (it seems fitting that I would provide him with an heir, however illegitimate that heir may be) so I try to think of names made up from Toby Rochester’s initials. But I can only come up with “Ref” and “Fer” and “Erf”, all of which are crappy names, so I give up and call the child “Rochester” and I live the remainder of my days as an outcast, but I am fulfilled because I know Toby Rochester loves me and only me.

*sigh*

See people, this is what the mind will come up with when a person is exhausted and that person hasn’t had a day off of work for fun in six freaking months.

But now, it is your turn to confess. Who do you have a crush on? Help a girl out here people. I don’t like being the only freak on the block. :)

because i know y’all were waiting with bated breath for the answers…

2010-06-01T10:07:00.003-06:00

Here are the answers to the movie quotes from my last post.

1) Addams Family Values
2) Ghostbusters 2 …but Cheryl guessed So I Married an Ax Murderer…which I realized was also right.
3) Princess Bride
4) Lilo and Stitch
5) Mulan
6) The Great Outdoors
7) I can’t remember the title of the cartoon, but it is the one where Daffy Duck was playing Robin Hood and Porky Pig was Friar Tuck. I love that cartoon.
8) The Addams Family
9) Trading Places
10) Wayne’s World
11) The Wedding Singer
12) My Girl

Hooray for the 2 of you that actually tried to guess. Cheryl and McCrazys can duke it out over the used dental floss.

We acquired some goldfish over the weekend. The Kids were thrilled. I was not because I know who is going to end up cleaning the dang tank. It was The Boy’s fault. Friday was the last day of school and they had a field day. There was a goldfish pond. I was running the goldfish pond. The Boy participated in the goldfish pond even though I specifically told him NOT TO! He did not listen. But I could not chew him out in front of his friends because it would hurt his “image.” Plus I was too busy scooping up goldfish by hand and shoving them into water filled plastic bags. I hate goldfish ponds. When I told the PTA lady that I would help out, I had a completely different image in my head. I thought they meant a fishing pond where you toss a line over a wall and someone hooks a prize to it and everybody is happy because they are not dealing with live animals. Stupid me, I did not get clarification. I came home smelling like goldfish and I was covered in scales. *shudder* Then I had to go to the store and buy fish supplies. Grrr. Damn 28 cent goldfish cost me $50. Plus, I had to get ANOTHER fish because there was no way on earth that THE BOY could have a fish and THE GIRL could not. So, now we have Sir Swimmy Billy Bob Joe the 8th and Princess Goldie. Don’t ask me where The Kids came up with those names. I do not know.

The Husband and I actually did some gardening this weekend. We planted 10 trees and some tomatoes, bell peppers, and jalapeños. I really hope they survive. Plants tend to hate me. Usually, I can just look at a plant and it shrivels up and dies right then. So, I am hoping since The Husband helped, the curse will be broken.

Well, off I go. The goldfish need food. Stupid fish.

fresh air. the scent of pine.

2010-05-20T16:26:00.004-06:00

I am very tired. Very, very tired. When I get tired, I kind of get loopy (and yes, for those with questioning minds, there is a difference between tired loopy and regular loopy.) I know I was really loopy this morning because when The Husband called to ~~gloat at the fact that he was just heading off to work and I had already been at work for 3 hours~~ see how my morning was, I had a conversation with him in which I quoted no less than 15 movies. In under 5 minutes. The first person to tell me what movies they are from gets a free piece of used dental floss.

1) Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?

2) Eee-vill?
*said in an indistinguishable but eastern Europeany sounding accent*

3) Liar! Liiarrrrr!

4) My friends need to be punished.

5) Come onnnnn…who did a good job? Come on, who did a good job, who did a good job?

6) Go lean up against a spin cycle!

7) Actually, it’s a buck and a quarter quarter staff, but I’m not telling him that
*ok, this is from a cartoon, not a movie. But is still counts, damnit.*

8) Why Lumpy Addams! Look at you! All grown up.

9) Maybe I can go to da movies…by myself!

10) If you’re gonna spew, spew into this.

11) You hit two cones! Those could have been people! They could have been guests at her wedding.

They were cones!!

12) Don’t come back for 5 to 7 days!

OK, I know I said 15. But I can’t remember the last three. To make up for the loss, the winner gets TWO pieces of used dental floss, not just one.

My day did not improve from there. I am feeling very apathetic about work right now. I really need a vacation to clear my head. As proof, I offer the following safety share that I put together for our next staff meeting.

Safety Share
June 2010

Sun Safety Tips

What can sun exposure cause?

• Pre-cancerous and cancerous skin lesions
• Benign tumors
• Fine and coarse wrinkles
• Freckles
• Discolored areas of the skin
• Dilation of small blood vessels under the skin

How can you protect yourself from the sun?

• Never ever leave the house again. Stay in the darkest closet of the darkest room of the house. Insist on having your meals delivered through a dog door. This is the only way you will be safe from the sun’s killer rays. You may only leave your sanctuary for 5 minutes a day under the cover of darkness, but only for activites like brushing your teeth, showering, playing Guitar Hero, and other such business. Then it is back to the closet where it is safe and no one will ever, ever find you.

• Avoid sun tanning and tanning beds
o Unless the person at the tanning bed is hot and you can convince him/her to oil you up. A lot.

• Generously apply sunscreen

o Minimum of SPF 15
o Broad spectrum protection (UVA and UVB)
o Apply ½ hour before going outdoors
o Reapply every few hours after that
 Especially if you can get the hot person from the tanning salon to help you

• Wear protective clothing
o Hats
 But not those stupid floppy hats that old ladies wear when they are gardening.
o Long sleeved shirts
o Long pants
o Sunglasses
 Don’t wear them at night though. Or indoors. You look really stupid when you do that.
o Burqa. Damn, you look like a dork. Why did you even bother to come outside?

• Stay indoors during peak UV radiation hours
o 10 a.m. - 4 p.m.
 Why would you go anywhere during those hours anyway? Everyone knows those are the most boring hours there are…no bars are open!
o Be wary on cloudy days

• Watch for damaged skin
o If you notice any changes, talk to a doctor/dermatologist
 Maybe they will get you oiled up too.

I think it might need some work. Suggestions?

i've got nothing...

2010-05-12T12:42:00.002-06:00

Actually, I do. But I can't find my camera cord at the moment. Which makes me mad. But I got sent a joke at work that made me smile. So...enjoy:

A man was riding his Harley beside an Australian beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over, thought about it, and said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said: "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Ocean, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought real hard about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

There was a long silence.

Then The Lord replied:

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

the week that wasn’t from hell…more like a suburb…

2010-04-27T12:57:00.004-06:00

Well, it really wasn’t that bad of a time. I just like being melodramatic and I thought it made for an interesting post title.

The Boy aced his concerto festival. He got a 99 out of 100 for his score. Did I mention that this is the first time he has ever participated? Yeah, he is a musical genius.

The Boy recovered from his ordeal of Community Care trying to poison him. He ended up with 2 huge bruises from the emergency Benadryl injections though. I had fun chasing him around trying to smack his bruises. He didn’t think it was so fun.

The Girl recovered nicely from her fat lip. She pouted for three days though because when she tried to put on her lip gloss, she looked like a “freaking clown freak.”

The Husband’s great aunt got married (NOTE: this was HIS great aunt, not the great aunt of MINE who died. Although it would have been interesting to have her rise from the grave and declare that she was getting married. I’ve never been to a zombie wedding before. I am sure it would be interesting). We set up the church for the wedding and the reception. It took All. Day. Long. And I only got ONE piece of cake at the reception. ONE. The world is a cruel, cruel place I tell you.

Mt. Vesuvius still reigns supreme on my chin. I even had the pleasure of explaining to one child at church that no, I was not coming down with leprosy and that they weren’t going to get contaminated. Sigh. Really, I have no self esteem left…this damn zit can leave at any time now.

I tossed out the new book that got dropped in the toilet and I bought a new copy, only to drop the new copy in a sink full of soapy water three days later. But since it was the sink and not the toilet, I’m just gonna dry this one out and read it anyway.

I gained 2 pounds this week (as opposed to the 3 pounds last time). And I don’t have any idea why. It is really making me mad.

On the 20th was the 10th anniversary of when The Husband asked me to marry him. Wahoo.

I won $1000 off of the radio. But of course after taxes and the like, it will really only be about $600, but that is still $600 more than I had the day before I won.

And that is it. My life is decidedly boring right now. So, I’ll end with humorously captioned pictures. You can thank me later.

I don't like Amy Winehouse. I think she looks and sounds nasty...like I could catch some STD just from listening to her music for too long. But this photo made me laugh for two days. I'm mean like that. And as a personal pet peeve of mine...if you make millions of dollars, for the love of all that is holy, FIX YOUR TEETH AND GET A WIG THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE OLD ROAD KILL! Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. :)

This made me laugh a lot. I saw Avatar and I don't think it lived up to the hype at all. Plus, Papa Smurf is just plain awesome.

I don't own a snuggie. I think they are stupid. If you can't work a blanket properly unless it has sleeves, then you have deep, deep issues. But if I could find one that came with Johnny Depp, I might change my mind.

weekend from hell…

2010-04-12T10:22:00.000-06:00

Saturday started off nice enough. I got to sleep in, the laundry was caught up, the kitchen was cleaned (the microwave had been scrubbed and I had steam mopped the floor even!), the grocery shopping was done, The Kids had activities already planned out for the day, and I didn’t have to worry about preparing a lesson for church the next day because it was my partner’s turn to teach. I actually woke up with a smile on my face!

It loveliness lasted all of two seconds.

I realized that I forgot The Boy had a piano recital that morning. We were late.

The Boy couldn’t stop coughing. I took him to Community Care. He had strep throat. The Boy was given a shot of penicillin to cure the strep. The Boy is allergic to penicillin. And the idiots at Community Care knew that. And they gave it to him anyway. The Boy had to have 2 shots of Benadryl to keep him from breaking out into hives.

The Girl went to a birthday party for a friend and clunked faces with another kid in the jungle-gym thing. The Girl ended up with a bloody nose and a fat lip.

I fell down the stairs. I bruised my butt. And my pride.

My great-aunt died.

My face broke out. I have a zit right on my chin that is doing a great impression of Mt. Vesuvius. It is H.U.G.E.

My watch battery died.

I dropped the new book I was reading into the toilet. I’m still not sure how that happened.

I gained 3 pounds.

I tore one of my contacts.

I sliced my thumb open on the serrated edge thingy of the box of Reynolds Wrap.

And, last but not least, I had a sneezing fit because the neighbor decided to mow their lawn and I sneezed so hard that I peed myself.

How was your weekend?

easily persuaded…

2010-04-01T12:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had a migraine. Actually, I still have the same migraine today, but that is besides the point. Anyway, yesterday when I picked up The Kids from daycare, I happened to mention to The Kids how tired I was and how much my head hurt in a vain attempt to get them to feel sorry for me and to actually behave for more than 30 seconds.

It didn’t work.

Within 20 seconds of being in the car, they were poking at each other, calling each other names, then tattling on each other to me about getting poked and being called a toilet seat, and I found myself threatening to abandon both children on the street corner where the drug dealers hang out.

Good times.

Our usual route home from the daycare takes us past several fast food restaurants. Nearly every day I have to tell The Kids multiple times that we absolutely will not under any circumstances pick up dinner from any of these establishments (mostly because I have bills to pay, not because I don’t believe in fast food). Yesterday was no different. As we drove past one particular place The Girl asked “Mama, can we get dinner there?”

“No!” I growled.

“But Mama, think about it. If you pick up dinner you won’t have to cook or do the dishes. We can feed ourselves and you can go rest until Daddy gets home. And we won’t whine about what you fix us for dinner because we can get what we want to eat for a change.”

Sneaky little punk.

The worst thing about the whole situation? I fell for it.

Sigh. Well played, Girl. Well played.

my kind of wordless wednesday...

2010-03-24T09:02:00.002-06:00

today is one of those days...

2010-03-11T08:13:00.007-07:00

I did not wake up on time today. Somehow, I turned off the alarm clock without realizing it. As a result, I woke up at the time I am usually walking out the door. So I had to get ready in about 10 minutes. Which means that I washed my hair in the sink, put on extra deodorant, spritzed myself down with my birthday perfume, dried and curled my bangs, and pulled the rest of my hair back in a very short,wet, ponytail. I grabbed the first thing I touched in the closet, threw that on, and took off.

Only when I got to work did I realize the following:

1) I forgot to pack a lunch. So now The Husband has to use his lunch break to go get me something. (OK, I admit, maybe I didn't forget my lunch...maybe I just really want an Arby's Beef and Cheddar sandwich and an order of jalapeno bites.)
2) I am wearing an extremely wrinkled button down shirt that looks like I have been sleeping in it for 3 days. Which I haven't. If I had, that would have saved me some time getting ready this morning.
3) My dirty Sketchers tennis shoes really don't go with the wrinkled button down shirt.
4) I forgot socks.
5) I put my undies on backwards.
6) I have no bra.

That's right people. I freaking forgot my BRA!!!!

Needless to say, I will be using my lunch hour to run over to Walmart to buy something. Because the girls, they aren't happy. And people can totally tell they aren't happy.

So I will just be wearing my coat and sobbing intermittently in my office until then.

But the up side is that if I am wearing my coat, no one can see the wrinkly shirt.

Sigh.

important office tip...

2010-03-02T13:11:00.002-07:00

Never pass wind in your office. Ever. Always go to the bathroom first, go in a stall, and then do your business. Because if you don't, your boss WILL walk into your office right afterwards and gasp and choke in horror while you try to nonchalantly wave a piece of paper through the air trying to get the odor to quickly dissipate.

Damn you Fiber One Bars. A healthy colon does not necessarily equate a happy colon owner.

Someone just kill me now.

10 years ago…

2010-02-17T15:30:00.002-07:00

*Warning - Overly Long Post Ahead*

*Warning - this story may make me look like a shallow-type individual. I have changed my ways. Honest.*

10 years ago today (or maybe it was yesterday. Or maybe it was two weeks ago. Or maybe it is next month. Who the heck keeps track of these things anyway?!) The Husband (who, at the time, was known as That-Weird-27-Year-Old-Dude-That-I-Met-Through-Another-Guy - hereby known as TW27YODTIMTAG - oh, forget that crap…I’m just going to call him Future Husband) held me hostage in a Sharis restaurant in Lewiston, Idaho until I agreed to go on a real date with him. I said fine. Mainly so he would take me back to my dorm room (I had no car or my own and 30 miles is a LONG way to walk). But he held me to that promise and 6 months later we were married. Wahoo.

I was a 19 year old sophomore who had just arrived on campus. I was utterly alone (well, if you discount the fact that my roommate ended up being a girl that I’d lived 2 houses down from and we had been friends since kindergarten) and had no friends. I followed my mom’s advice (for the first time) and decided to go sign up for an Institute class. While I was there deciding what would fit into my schedule, I was approached by a boy.

“Hey, you are new.”

“Um, yeah.”

“You should come to my birthday party. It is tomorrow. Where do you live? I will come pick you up.” And before I knew it, this boy had stolen my planner and figured out where I lived and had arranged a time to come get me. And then he vanished.

I stood there in shock for a moment. Then I cursed myself for having my address in my planner.

The Institute director who had been helping me pick a class laughed at my consternation and said “Don’t worry. That is just George. He’s a good kid. The party is at his parents’ house. You will be perfectly safe.”

“OK…but if I turn up dead, you will tell the police who was responsible, right?”

“Absolutely.”

So, I went to George’s birthday party. It was fun. I met a lot of kids in the wards. I found out I had classes with a few of them and a couple of them even lived in the dorms like I did (apparently, all the really cool people lived off campus…I was too dirt poor of a student to even dream of that possibility). And then HE walked in the room. Blue-eyed, blond, 6’ 1”, and perfectly straight teeth. And I swooned. I asked one of my new friends who HE was.

“Bob.”

“Does he have a lady friend?”

“Nope.”

Awesome. I immediately began plotting how to use my feminine wiles to entice him into asking me out on a date. I imagined I’d sidle up to him, give him my best Lauren Bacall look, and say “So…I’ll be ready at 8:00 next Friday night. Be there.” And he would immediately take me in his arms and declare that he couldn’t live without me for another moment and we’d run off to the one drive-through-wedding chapel in the state and we’d live happily ever after.

As it was, I was so tongue tied, I didn’t even speak to him all night. Until it was time to head home. Since I was a poorer than dirt variety of student, I didn’t have a car. And it was dark. And I was afraid of the dark. So I asked if anyone could give me a ride back to the dorm. Bob said he would.

I about wet myself.

Bob made small talk in the car on the way to the dorm. I gave noncommittal grunts as answers. When we arrived he said “I am very glad to have met you. A bunch of us are getting together to play ultimate Frisbee next weekend. You should come. 10:00 at Institute, OK?” I nodded my head and stumbled out of the car.

Saturday morning could not arrive fast enough. I was up, dressed (it took me two hours to get ready - how does one assemble an outfit that looks sexy but in a totally-I-am-a-tough-athletic-girl-way anyway?), and at the Institute at 10:00 exactly. And nobody was there. I’d been stood up! Holy cow, I’d only been in town a week and I’d been stood up! Fuming, I was about to stomp back to my dorm when a car came into the parking lot. It wasn’t Bob. It was some guy I’d never seen before. Brown hair, brown eyes, just barely 5’ 10” (I’m a good judge of height…what can I say), and crooked-but-not-in-a-excuse-me-your-teeth-make-me-want-to-hurl--kind-of-way teeth.

“Hey. How are you?”

“I’m FluffyChicky.”

“Huh?”

“My name is FluffyChicky.”

*crickets*

“Um, I asked how are you, not who are you.”

*crickets*

“Oh. Well, I’m FluffyChicky and I was doing well until you showed up and I totally embarrassed myself.”

“Ooohhh-kaaayyy. I’m Future Husband. Are you here to play ultimate Frisbee?”

“Yeah, Bob invited me.”

“That’s nice.”

A looooonnnnng uncomfortable silence followed. We just stood there, not looking at each other. Mercifully, Bob and a bunch of other girls arrived and we took off.

The next day on campus, I saw Future Husband. I waved and called out hello.

“Oh, hiiiii. Um, what was your name again?” He replied.

R.U.D.E. Future Husband couldn’t even remember my name. What a creep.

A few weeks later, I got invited to Future Husband’s birthday party. I went because I found out Bob was going. I would do anything if it meant I could be near Bob.

The party ended up being a lot of fun. I teased Future Husband unmercifully about being 27 whereas I was only 19. He got a weird look on his face when I said I didn’t think I could date a guy that was that much older than me. I brushed it off and when to talk to Bob. Bob was only 25…soooo much younger than 27 year old Future Husband.

Two weeks later, I found out a friend of mine was getting married the day before Valentine’s day and she had asked me to be a bridesmaid. I said I would do it if I could con someone into taking me on the 20 hour round trip. Future Husband overheard me talking to one of my friends at Institute about my need for a ride and he offered. He had been planning to go home that weekend and coincidentally, he lived only 30 miles from me! So off we went. It ended up being a very pleasant trip (minus the encounter with the Ex-Boyfriend who happened to be a groomsman and guess who I had been partnered up with? Awkward!). I spent Valentine’s day making the long trek back to school (which was totally not how I had envisioned the day - I thought I would have finally convinced Bob that he loved me and we would have spent the day making out). On the way, Future Husband asked if I really liked Bob. I said, yes, of course. What was not to like? He was the only guy I was interested in dating. Future Husband quickly changed the subject.

2 days after we got back to school, Future Husband invited me out for a milkshake. Bob was busy, so I said yes. Future Husband drove me to Lewiston. And he convinced me that I needed to date other people besides Bob.

“Yeah? Like who?”

“Um, me?”

“But you’re so old!” Tact was not something I was blessed with.

“But I am immature. We’d be a good fit.” I snorted into my milkshake at that. It was that retort that convinced me that I should at least go on one date with him. That and I was afraid that if I didn’t agree, I’d get abandoned 30 miles from campus.

So I went on a date with him. We watched Star Wars, The Phantom Menace. And then we watched a bunch of Star Trek episodes. And I lost my heart.

Three days later, we had our first kiss. He had just introduced me to the joy that is the movie “Better Off Dead.” He drove me back to my dorm and we sat in his car in the parking lot talking.

“So, what would you say if I asked if I could kiss you?” He shyly asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve never been asked that before.” Usually I just dove in head first (uh, lips first?) and started kissing.

“Well, I don’t know these things…I’ve got Virgin Lips and I’m not sure how to do this without embarrassing myself.”

Virgin Lips?!

“You’ve never kissed anyone before?!”

“Well, no.”

I shamefully thought about the number of guys I had passionately kissed in my life. Jeepers, I was such a kissing slut!

“Well, since you asked me so politely, I guess it would be OK.”

“Good. Make sure I don’t miss.” And he leaned in and goodbye Virgin Lips.

Bob who? It was all about Future Husband now.

We saw each other e.v.e.r.y. day for 3 solid weeks. One day we were laying on my bed in my dorm watching Mulan on my dvd player (we didn’t really want to lay on the bed…I only had one chair and him sitting on the chair and me on the bed just wasn’t practical) and Future Husband asked me “So…what would you say if I told you that I am in love with you and that I think we should get married.”

“I’d say that you are so damn old that you’ve obviously gone senile if you think I’m marrying some 27 year old accounting major.”

“Oh. Just checking.”

“Just shut up already and make out with me.” So he did.

A week later we drove up to Spokane and we went to Riverfront Park. And in the middle of the park Future Husband got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and asked me to marry him.

I was happy. He was happy. His parents were happy. My parents were ready to kill me.

But we got married anyway. 2 days after I turned 20. From when we started dating to when we got married took a grand total of 6 months. Nice.

We moved back to school. 3 months later I found out I was pregnant.

We had our first real Valentine’s day together that year. The Husband bought me some naughty underwear. And I cried because my boobs and fat prego belly made it impossible for me to wear.

In July, we had our baby boy. 3 ½ years later, we had both graduated from college and had a baby girl.

Nearly 10 years later, we’ve added a mortgage, student loans, car payments, careers, screaming, yelling, laundry, and dishes. But we also still have Star Wars and Star Trek. And Better Off Dead.

And it rocks.

The end.

random stuff and more overheard office conversations…

2010-02-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

I have a cold. The first one I have had in almost a year. Damn. The left side of my nose is all stuffed up. I keep hacking up gunk. And my voice has changed to this whiney high pitched squeak that makes me sound like I have been inhaling helium. The Husband claims that he hears no difference. Jerk.

We are going out of town for Valentine’s Day. With the kids. Romance will more than likely not be accompanying us.

The Husband got braces today. He is not happy. I am extremely happy because that means I can quit staring/obsessing over the slight snaggle-tooth that he inherited from his mother.

And now, more overheard office conversations.

“Well, they definitely aren’t as bouncy as they once were. I used to not be able to jump without them hitting me in the face. Now I worry about tripping on them when I walk up the stairs.”

“Is it normal for it to ooze that much?”

“I need a wart remover. Now.”

“What is the line between ‘promiscuous’ and ‘slutty’?”

“I don’t care what the state of Nevada says! This waste is IMPROVING their state! They should be thanking me on bended knee that I am willing to store this garbage there!”

“Seriously, it is dripping like a faucet. Are you sure this much oozing is normal?”

Um, ew. Just, ew.

the bad, the good, the really good, the not so good but better than bad…

2010-02-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

The Bad: The Boy had a sore throat last week and I missed a day of work to take care of him.
The Good: It was not strep throat. The Good Doctor also gave The Boy a prescription to help get rid of what we have dubbed “The Lizard Man Skin”.
The Really Rood: The prescription has worked and The Lizard Man Skin seems to have slithered off to bother someone else.
The Not So Good But Better Than Bad: I was able to make up my missed day of work later in the week, so I didn’t have to use any of my precious and carefully hoarded Personal Leave Time.

The Bad: My car broke. The power steering went out while I was driving home from picking up The Kids.
The Good: The car repair place just called and said that all of the repairs are covered by the extended warranty.
The Not So Good But Better Than Bad: My car won’t be fixed until tomorrow and I am stuck driving The Beast of a Truck until then. But at least I have a vehicle to drive.

The Bad: I got into a huge fight with both my mother AND my mother in law over The Girl and her dance lessons.
The Really Bad: I swore at both mothers a lot and The Kids heard me.
The Not So Good But Better Than Bad: My mother was in the wrong and she admitted it. The mother in law is not speaking to me. Which is fine because she can’t yell at me if she isn’t speaking to me.
The Slightly Better Than The Not So Good But Better Than Bad: I told both mothers where to go and how to get there and that I am an adult and I will make the decisions when it comes to MY CHILDREN AND IF I WANT AND OR NEED YOUR ADVICE I WILL ASK FOR IT DAMNNIT!!!!
The Other Not So Good But Better Than Bad: The Girl is upset that we were all fighting about her. But she is very superficial and got over it very quickly when I pointed out that she will get to buy new dance shoes. That is my girl.

The Good: I caught The Boy dancing around the bathroom completely in the buff singing “Do the Naked Disco”, which apparently is an original composition.
The Bad: I didn’t get it caught on camera.
The Not So Good But Better Than Bad: We don’t have a disco ball hanging in the bathroom.

The Good: The Husband turned 37 yesterday.
The Bad: My arm got really tired trying to slap his butt 37 times. Plus the whole chasing him around the room trying to whack him was really tiring. You know, for a decrepit old guy, he can run pretty darn fast when he wants too.

office joys…

2010-01-27T15:53:00.002-07:00

I work in an office building. It is kind of a ghetto building and it smells funny when the air conditioner kicks on. But I am not complaining about that. At least there is an air conditioner. I also have my own office…and a hard wall office at that! With a working door and a window. True, my view sucks (I get to look into the offices in the other wing of the building and they are all fat, balding, management type dudes and are not the best thing to be oogling (but that is better than having them oogle you)), but it is better that no view at all. The hallways are dark and dingy. And they echo. It is very cave-like. The best thing about the building is that if you don’t close your door to have a conversation, everyone can hear you in the echo-y hallway. It is nice. Everyone laughed at me for a week when The Girl was potty training and I had to clap and cheer for her over the phone when she was successful. I had to sing the potty song too. Embarrassing.

Fortunately, I am not the only victim.

I heard these beauties today:

“You can’t root around in peoples' garbage without their permission! Especially if they are standing right there”

“Procedure my a$$! I’m gonna shove that procedure so far up their a$$es that they are going to need a procedure on how to remove a procedure from their a$$! And when they go to get that procedure approved, I’m going to reject it and they will have to walk around with that procedure shoved up their a$$ for the rest of their days!! Oh, yeah. Lunch sounds great. Chili’s sound good to you?”

“Do you think the chaps make my butt look too pronounced?”

“You had her spayed? I thought you liked my mother!”

“The doctor says the rash will go away eventually. I guess that means that naked movie nights are out for the next month or so.”

Dang. I liked naked movie nights.

mispronunciations...

2010-01-20T08:13:00.003-07:00

The Kids have decided that they really like eating the Cuties mini oranges. They have at least two a day. And I have no complaints because oranges are a healthy snack...plus it leaves more chocolate for me. Sounds great right? Well...

Yesterday I picked up The Kids from daycare. The Girl's teacher came up to me while I was shoving The Kids into their coats.

"Um, I just thought you should know, The Girl said something interesting today in class."

"Yeah?" This is nothing new...The Girl always has something interesting to say...sometimes it is even the truth.

"Um, yeah. It is kind of embarrassing though. I thought you might want to know about it."

"Ohhhh-kaaay..." The feeling of dread starts to build.

"See, today in class we were talking about things we like. You know like our favorite activities, foods, colors, things like that."

"Uh-huh." Now I am confused. What can be bad about that? Even if she lied and said our favorite family activity was trapping gators in our private water park, it couldn't be that bad.

"Yeah. Um, The Girl said that her favorite thing to have was an orgy."

*crickets* *crickets*

"Excuse me?"

"Orgy."

I turn to The Girl, who is nodding her head vigorously, smiling proudly.

"Uuuuhhhh..." I have no words. I look at the teacher. I look at The Girl. I look at the teacher. I look at The Girl.

"I have no idea where she picked that word up!" I finally splutter. I bend down and look The Girl in the eye.

"Tell Mama where you heard that word."

"At home!" The Girl says in a sing-song voice.

I flush horribly and glance at the teacher, who is slowly shaking her head in a "I can't believe the kind of corruption children are exposed to in their own homes" kind of way.

"Now Girl, tell Mama the truth. Where did you hear this word?"

"At home! We have orgies every night!"

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"Before dinner. And sometimes right before bed."

"But, but, but..." I start stuttering. Suddenly I hear The Boy sigh in frustration.

"She means ORANGES Mom. ORANGES!"

blogging milestones...

2010-01-18T15:57:00.010-07:00

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Sweet, eh?

The Husband and I took The Kids to see The Spy Next Door over the weekend. It was silly and stupid. We all had a grand time.

Oh, and on the self-humiliation side of life, I recently (read, today) had a very itchy nose at work. You know, really itchy. The you-can't-get-rid-of-it-merely-by-surface-scratching kind. It called for, ahem, deeper involvement. I thought I'd take care of it super-duper quick and that would be the end of it. So I duck behind my computer screen and set to work. It was great. Until the girl from the office next door stuck her head into my office to tell me about an upcoming staff meeting. And I am pretty sure she saw me "taking care of business." So now she thinks I am a chronic nose picker. Great.

Oh, and the itch? Yeah, it was a ZIT. A zit INSIDE my nose. What the crap is that all about?!?!

I am ashamed.

crazy dreams and other stuff…

2010-01-12T11:16:00.010-07:00

I have crazy dreams a lot. Vivid, crazy dreams. The Husband hates it because I always think it must mean something and I want to discuss it over and over until I can come up with a reason why my subconscious had me dreaming that I in a real life version of 1776 and that I was Martha Jefferson but instead of making out with my husband I chose to leap into bed with John Adams (who was still being played by a remarkably young William Daniels) and when I had sated my appetite I looked over at my new lover to find that I had actually been involved with the Comic Book Guy

and I ran out of the room screaming in horror only to find myself participating in a roller derby of death with James Caan and The Husband is standing on the sidelines cheering me on and after my victory we skate off hand in hand to go have milkshakes at Denny’s and to discuss our upcoming move to Monte Carlo where I will be crowned as a royal princess and be given a powder-blue ostrich skin Hermes handbag and free lifetime access to any casino I want and I finally fulfill my life-long dream of becoming a Blackjack dealer.

So, am I crazy like The Husband says? Anybody else have weirdo dreams like this?

The Husband is getting a new car. Well, when I say new, I mean used. But it is a better used car than the one he is driving. So he is excited. Very excited. I am not so excited about having 2 car payments.

The Boy has been enjoying his cell phone. He likes being able to text his friends. And me. Every day I get a text around 2:45 from The Boy telling me that he is out of school, he loves me, and that he working on perfecting the art of Silent But Deadly flatulence. Sigh. I suppose as long as he loves me, he can fart all he wants. As long as I am not in the same room.

Last night I was helping The Girl with her shower. I was helping her dry off when she suddenly pointed to her ahem, buttons and says “Look Mama! I got baby boobs!” I snicker and say “Um, yep. You are right.” “I will have big boobs one day, right Mama?” “Yes. When you are bigger.” “Yeah…I hafta have baby boobs now because if I had Mama Boobs, I’d fall over and they’d squish me.” “Probably.” Anatomy/Puberty 101 complete.

The Husband and I went to see Sherlock Holmes. I liked it. Robert Downey Jr. is now on my eye-candy list.
Yes he is.
Yumm-o!
Although he does look like he smells bad.

But he is still so pretty.

I took The Kids to the dentist on Friday. Good news: they have no cavities. Bad news: I have TWO. I haven’t had a cavity in at least 3 years. Grr. So I have to go get the fillings on Thursday and then come back to work for 6 hours with numb-mouth. So. Not. Fair.

The Husband’s birthday is coming up. Is it kosher to buy him a gift certificate to the local home improvement store and give it to him with the express instructions that he is to use the money to buy supplies so he can start finishing the downstairs? Or should I at least buy him a new electric razor to disguise my selfish actions?

The end.

what i did last year...

2010-01-05T15:12:00.044-07:00

Christmas was fun. The kids got too many toys. I didn't get nearly enough sleep the night before. And in the morning, I didn't receive nearly as many new clothes as I had requested. And I didn't get ANY shoes. N.O.N.E. Santa obviously did not read my list carefully enough.* The Kids enjoyed themselves though.

The day after Christmas, I took the tree down. It kept shedding needles all over my non-finished family room. Unacceptable. The Kids thought I was being very Scrooge like. However, I am not totally Scroogy because the other decorations are still up. But not for long. Not for long.

We went to Yellowstone for a few days after Christmas. There was a lot of snow.**

The Kids went swimming a lot.

We went took a ride into the park. We saw lots of animals, snow, Old Faithful, and waterfalls.

We also went to the Wolf and Grizzly Bear Discovery Center.

If the wolves and bears had not been on the other side of the enclosures, I am sure I would have ended up looking like this.

* Obviously (or maybe it isn't!?) I am not this selfish. I am way more selfish and I threw a huge hissy fit over not getting exactly what I want. :)

** Kind of. There was a lot of snow, but not as much as one usually sees in the park in December.

snowman humor...

2009-12-17T14:25:00.010-07:00

i don't understand boys...

2009-12-16T08:29:00.004-07:00

Last night we loaded The Boy and Girl into the car and drove to the museum so they could put their letters to Santa Clause in the special mailbox. On the way home, The Kids started to doze off (or so we thought). The Husband started talking to me about some weird talent show/Christmas party they are planning at work.

"So, do you wanna go?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't want to sit around and listen to off key karaoke singing and watch your coworkers ingest a little too much egg nog that has more nog than egg."

Suddenly, The Boy pipes up from the back seat "Yeah, Dad. Besides, do you have a talent that you are going to share? What would it be? I mean, I guess you could get up on stage and fart for everybody. You're pretty good at that. Maybe you could do 'Jingle Bells' using farts and accenting it with burps. What do you think?"

I sat in stunned silence as The Husband and The Boy expounded on this idea. They decided that not only would the musical choices for the evening include Jingle Bells, but The Husband would also perform a rendition of "We Fart You a Merry Christmas", "Angles We Have Smelled on High", and last but not least, "Oh Little Town of Beans and Ham" (because according to them, beans and ham produce flatulence with the best tonal qualities).

Why me? Why oh why oh why?

ever have one of those days...

2009-12-15T10:19:00.008-07:00

This is how I have felt all day. Why you ask? 1) People not being truthful as to why their reports haven't been completed as required. 2) My boss telling me he is working on reviewing my report and that he will have it done as soon as possible. 3) The Husband telling me that he has every intention of getting the dishes done this evening. 4) The Kids promising that they will never ever wipe boogers on the bathroom wall again. Sigh. It is never ending.
----------------------------------------------------

The Husband decided The Boy needed a cell phone. He set the whole thing up without consulting me about it. I survived without a cell phone until I was 22! Why does my 8-year-old need one? The Husband said that it is because The Boy is involved in so many after school activities that do not involve a)us and b) the daycare and The Boy should have a way to get a hold of us if needed. I couldn't argue with that too much. But when I get text messages from The Boy that say things like "I like pie" and "That fart I just let out really stinks!" I have to wonder about the practicality of the whole thing.

-------------------------------------

We saw The Princess and the Frog on Friday. It was really, really cute. I about peed myself laughing at the frog hunters.

-------------------------------------

I've made 3 different dinners for ladies (including my sister-in-law) who just had babies and who all had c-sections.

-------------------------------------

We bought our Christmas tree and got it set up last week. Well, it is not so much a tree as it is a bushy freak of nature thing. But I had little choice. There was a total of one tree lot in town! One! My sister (who lives in the state capital) said there were hundreds of tree lots in her town. And we get one! Oh, the humanity! So I ended up with this Douglas Fir thing because I fundamentally r.e.f.u.s.e. to buy a Fakey McFakerton tree. The Kids had a good time decorating it. I had less fun vacuuming up all the needles off of the floor.

----------------------------------

I went to a baby shower on Saturday. It was a good shower, except the mom-to-be went into labor an hour before the party started, so she couldn't make it. Rude. We partied without her. And we all opened her gifts and the re-wrapped them, because, lets face it, the whole point of a baby shower is to ooh and aahh over the cute stuff everyone brought.

-------------------------------------

We watched Star Trek over the weekend. My daughter swooned over Chris Pine. That's my girl.

-------------------------------------

The Girl has a dance recital on Wednesday. The Boy has his school Christmas concert on Thursday. I am babysitting all day Friday. Then The Kids have a gymnastics exhibition thingy on Saturday.

-------------------------------------

I am almost done Christmas shopping. I just have to get my 87 year old grandma a present. She's really easy to shop for. The woman loves movies. When I asked her what movie she would like she said "Anything with Chuck Norris. That man could crack a walnut open with his ass!"

-------------------------------------

And now I am out of things to say. So I will just end with this:

just because...

2009-12-01T10:11:00.004-07:00

You simply cannot go wrong with a post that includes Bob Ross and Chuck Norris.

wahh...

2009-11-30T10:59:00.006-07:00

I wanted my blog to look cute for the holidays (yes, I am whining about it. Hence the "wahh" in the title of today's post). But I don't know how to edit the template to make it look right. At least, I think it is the template I need to mess with. I changed the background by adding an HTML/Java Script page element thingy and pasting the code into that. And I changed the banner by uploading it from my desktop. But I don't know what to do about the template. Help me.

Until help arives (you've got to help, pretty please!), I will console myself with this:

Ahhh, that is better. Much, much better.

happy thanksgiving...

2009-11-25T07:14:00.006-07:00

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

never thought i'd say that...

2009-11-24T12:06:00.003-07:00

The Kids were playing with the newly crafted Nativity hand puppets yesterday. I may or may not have ~~yelled~~ said the following to my dear, sweet children:

"Baby Jesus was NOT a midget football player!"

"We do not use Baby Jesus to dive bomb!"

"The Wise Men are not The Three Stooges' long lost cousins."

“Mary and Joseph did not make a killing by using the animals in the barn as trained circus animals.”

“Baby Jesus DOES NOT DIVE BOMB!”

comparisons...

2009-11-17T08:25:00.006-07:00

Cleaning up The Kids' vomit is bad. Cleaning up The Husband's is down right terrifying.

I hate stomach bugs.

The end.

100th post…

2009-11-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

And it is time for whining.

I can feel your excitement through the screen.

I started writing this yesterday (with pen and paper!). I was in a really bad mood and I just wrote down whatever came into my head at the moment.

I can’t think.
Or spell.
Or write pretty.
I hate technical writing sometimes.
Too bad that is my job.
I want to go home and sleep.
I also want to magically lose 50 pounds without any effort.
I want my upper arm flab to disappear.
But I don’t want Madonna-scary looking arms either.
Shudder.
I want my pores to shrink into non-existence.
I’m 29 and I am so sick of having acne like a teenager.
I want someone to come and finish the downstairs of my house free of charge.
I’d also like someone to buy me a water softener.
And a gas-guzzling SUV that seats up to 7 passengers.
And a pony.
A pretty, pretty, pink pony named Sparkles.
With a custom made saddle.
And some matching boots.
I want a haircut that doesn’t make me look like the Little Dutch Boy.
I want the circles under my eyes to go away.
I am tired of looking like I lost a fight with Mike Tyson.
At least I haven’t had my ear bitten off.
I have had my butt chewed though.
That is almost the same thing, isn’t it?
I hate it when my boss comes in and starts screaming at me when he is really upset at someone else, but I just happen to be the closest target.
I hate it that the cleaning staff only empties the garbage can every other day.
I want a professional manicure and pedicure.
But I don’t want to endure The Husband’s teasing.
I have to still buy toys for Christmas.
Given the list of things The Kids want, I need about 10K to pay for it all.
I think they will get maybe 4 toys each.
And some clothes.
Because Mama loves clothes.
And shoes.
I need some chocolate.
I like the taste of Big Red gum.
But I don’t like how it seems to burn the top layer of my tongue off.
Tongue always looks like it is spelled wrong.
I found boogers smeared on the wall in The Kids’ bathroom.
I did not enjoy cleaning it up.
I still want a pony.
And I think I need a princess hat too.
I got a new calling at church.
I am not happy about it.
I don’t teach 3 and 4 year olds anymore.
Now I teach adults.
Why do people think I like teaching so much?
I really don’t think I do a good job at it.
If I did, I would have become a teacher instead of an engineer.
Maybe.
Teachers’ paychecks suck.
I like the money I earn.
Too bad most of it goes to pay for daycare and my student loans.
I wish someone could pay that off for me.
I wish it would hurry up and snow.
I am sick of the gloomy in-between fall and winter weather time.
Not that I am anxious to drive on the ice.
That is another word that looks like it is spelled wrong.
Anxious.
And ornery.
That isn’t spelled like it is pronounced at all.
I like saying the word spatula sometimes.
I don’t know why.
Cry.
Sigh.
Hi.
By.

Yeah, clearly I need the help of a professional. Anybody know anyone good (read: cheap)? :)